I find it difficult to explain certain feelings I have, without sounding stupid or insecure. Often in group settings I feel as though I’m sitting there waiting to be noticed, I try to get a word in but the conversation is not one I fit in to. Regardless of it being about something I know of and even like. This is not your group. You don’t do groups, especially not one this large. You are trying to be social for the sake of another and that can be and usually is entirely exhausting. Still you try and hold out for as long as you can, but the conversation grows louder without your participation and you feel more tired than you did before. You smile and try to catch his/her attention but it goes by unnoticed and you struggle to maintain the smile.
Some people cannot function outside a large group of friends or people in general. Others, like myself cannot do so with a large group as it is draining. Why do we bother? Love? Acceptance? I don’t quite know myself. Lately even in a one on one situation I feel quite the same. I could be sitting there completely naked and the attention of the desired would still be elsewhere and I am left feeling unwanted, and perhaps unloved. You know you are wanted and loved by many but in moments like this when all you want is their undivided attention and don’t receive it, that doubt begins to fester.
Here comes the part where you try to decide if you’re going to explain what you’re feeling and hope to do so in a way that doesn’t make you sound stupid and insecure. You aren’t jealous of the others in said group, you aren’t anti-social and you are not shy. How do I explain this without them automatically assuming any one or all of the above? Most times I find I just don’t. I bury it deep and go on smiling, tomorrow is a new day after all. Someday I will finally say it.
Furniture: [ba] retro couch – blue